Despair

[IainH]

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy 
Would someone please Redrum this son of a Bitch and put it out of its misery.

[Ed Hurst]

All I can offer to do is make a call.

[forrealone]

And please know that we love you and care about you.  We have all had some hard, knock us down to the ground things happen to us.  You know what I went through.  It took over a year for me to be able to even think straight.  All the while, the world was slowly going insane.

If it weren't for my lil sanctuary in my backyard, I dont know what I would do.  I know you have one too.

So, I will be lifting you up often and just please know, He and we all love you!

[IainH]

Well, without going into too much detail. What I wrote was in mysticalese. Whoever has ears, let them hear. 
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy is a symbol for the repeated emotional and psychological trauma that was growing up. These were kept locked away. My father's death and my mother's callous liquidation of everything he had worked for and just dealing with my abuser before she returned to the old country was jarring and triggered the opening of those locked places which, manifested in Anxiety and it's subsequent panic attacks. I have worked on these problems since they began and neither medication nor traditional therapy approaches worked very well because they are symptom focused. Michelle's death really kicked it into high gear. 
 I am using a more holistic approach to tap into the causes and fix them thereby, eliminating the symptoms. Yesterday, I pushed a little too hard and got some extreme kickback. I typed my post in the heat of my "episode" but, at the same time I was observing myself, kinda like taking a step back. That has never happened before. When it was over I was quite surprised to find that I had "took notes" like I was outside of myself. I will have to tread gingerly around that one until I am able to persuade the gatekeeper/protector of that particular trauma cell, to give me the key.
 Expect more and don't worry about me. This is the Lord's doing and His words to me are "You already have all the tools you need." The unspoken part is "if you need help using those tools, I'm here. Otherwise, this is your dog, Charlie Brown." If you're curious, the first part has been coming to me audibly for some time, the second part came into my heart as the words were spoken to me more recently. Now, I don't mean the 10 Commandments Charlton Heston external voice, I mean God's voice in your heart and head simultaneously. I know His voice and it is unmistakable even when He sounds like Samuel L Jackson.
  That's a thumbnail outline that probably provides most questions than answers.

[forrealone]

Wow!  Glad you filled me/us in.  It eased that little "mama voice" in me.  

I know His Voice.......   It is a wonderful thing to hear especially when it brings a sigh of relief when trauma/anxiety is pounding at your door.  What a loving Father we have!

[Ed Hurst]

Glad you are working through it. Separating conscious awareness from the rest of yourself is a key to spiritual stability. Your fallen flesh is not your real self, so you really need the ability to internally back away at times.

[IainH]

Dateline Monday April 19. 
 As to my original post, at the time, all I knew was "I have to write this @#!!! phrase!" The end of it? I don't know maybe I was just wore slap out.
  To me it conveys the intensity of the state of my being during an extreme event. 
  I guess that's why the chronic tinnitus in my left ear doesn't bother me. If there's a connection between my last two sentences, I'll be damned if I know what it....."oh okay, thank yew!". It could be some time before the answer filters up into my consciousness. Sometimes the message is filtered right quick and sometimes it gets highjacked* but, a day or two is about right. 

Okay, now it's Tuesday April 20th. Today is Donald Trump's...no sorry, that would be Adolf Hitler's birthday. Y'all should know, I spent dang near four decades studying that period, at times with great intensity, my conclusion is "the Bankers did it". I watch WW2 documentaries to nitpick the inaccuracies, although not so much anymore...meh.
  I often refer to the different aspects of my character as separate voices, I suppose in a metaphorical sense because I know that ultimately, they are all me. They are often at odds. Some are immature which makes me posit that with each childhood trauma, a little bit broke off and hid. Here's what I saw the last time I meditated;
 a nursery in a dungeon (think, Errol Flynn movie set) in it there are children up to 3 years old, there are grown ups (generic) who are busy keeping them quiet. I have to reclaim those little ones. It may not make sense to you but, I know exactly what is going on and what must be done. I'll go walk the maze where, hopefully Jesus will teach me something about how to use the tool kit his Daddy gave me.
  
*highjacked mmm...I'm still fleshing that one out basically, I noticed that some things get rerouted. Not satisfactory but, it's the best I got right now. I'm aware of it which, is about like a bandaid but, it will have to do for now. I have a lot of stuff going on and, a limited amount of time to get it right enough. 
So, I ask that you take this info and pray on it. He has a plan that requires me to go through the wringer before I'm in a position to be useful. It does feel like I'm doing trapeze without a net, a very kinetic time. 
The Lord says that "He ain't gonna put no more on you than you can bear so, you gotta keep on keeping on" thank yeeewww Grandma for all your sage advice.

[Ed Hurst]

Well, it's all on sliding scale hard to pin down. Serious trauma does cause multiple personas to appear as distinct individuals, but you portray lesser traumas well by referring to pieces breaking off. At each point, a part of you stops developing along a normal trajectory. It's not a whole new personality, but it certainly provokes some inner conflicts.

[jaybreak]

Your fallen flesh is not your real self, so you really need the ability to internally back away at times.

I've never heard it phrased quite like that. Maybe I have, and I never took to it. Either way, I feel like I need to think on this for a while.

Sorry, back to Iain's thread...

[IainH]

Your fallen flesh is not your real self, so you really need the ability to internally back away at times.

I've never heard it phrased quite like that. Maybe I have, and I never took to it. Either way, I feel like I need to think on this for a while.

Sorry, back to Iain's thread...

  
Yeah man, wt#$÷ !!! 
Nah, I don't care and I believe I'll use that line when I start my cult.